smallest-feeblest-boggart:

anarchetypal:

so i’m riding the elevator up to my apartment when the emergency phone in the elevator starts ringing 

and i just stand there for a second because this thing is like thirty years old and has never rung or even been used from what i know

but eventually i answer it thinking maybe something’s wrong with the elevator?? it’s an emergency phone it’s probably an emergency??? i dunno

except i shit you not it’s a telemarketer 

a telemarketer that’s as confused as i am when i finally interrupt him mid-spiel to inform him he has the wrong number and then interrupt him again to explain further that “uh, no, seriously, this is an elevator phone. i’m standing in an elevator. talking to you. on the emergency phone. i really think you got the wrong number”

“oh,” says telemarketer guy.

“yeah,” i say.

there’s some mutually-confused silence.

“so, this is my stop,” i say. “i gotta go.”

“oh,” says telemarketer guy.

“good luck,” i add, because telemarketer guy seems like he’s having an existential crisis. and then i hang up on him, because he’s having an existential crisis and won’t actually end the call, and because again i’m talking on an elevator emergency phone and, you know, this is my stop, i gotta go.

i’m just a big fan of the tone in which the ending was told

marshals-to-dictators:

stbonifacesaxe:

cathy-sienna-40:

stbonifacesaxe:

cathy-sienna-40:

im-not-a-skelmersdale-monster:

marshals-to-dictators:

holy-flamingo:

marshals-to-dictators:

What’s a mormon

Typically a dumb person, used as a insult like “idiot”

Oh ok so what’s an evangelist

People who think that is a “church”

Isn’t that a football stadium?  

No that’s Joel Osteen’s “church”

…I don’t buy it. Not a single icon or stained glass window in the place.

If you hate the designs of protestant mega churches, you’re REALLY gonna hate their idea of communion

ohtakudesu:

ohtakudesu:

inklesspen:

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

people talk about women being ‘emotional’ and ‘overreacting,’ but you don’t see a woman making an arch-nemesis out of an albino whale and obsessively chasing it down like a lunatic for 585 pages

since i made this post, i’d multiple women telling me they would absolutely hunt down a whale for an extended period out of a bloodthirsty desire for vengeance, and i want to apologize for engaging in gender stereotypes

Ahem.

“Thanks to Microsoft Word’s ‘find and replace’ feature, no stone was left unturned.” Why is this so fucking funny sdfgjkk

rEBLOGGING AGAIN BECAUSW I SOMEHOW MISSED THAT THE COVER SAYS MOBY VULVA AND IM CRYIN AHSHHDHDHDH